The message that sexuality is good, that it is a gift, a glorious gift, is so needed. We need more than just to be told “don’t do it”, we need the beauty of it to blossom free from the grime our culture has splattered on sexuality. This is a lost message. A missing message. If I don’t give it, who will?
(Thoughts before speaking)
To illustrate that we need to follow God’s blueprint for our sexuality I compared it to using a crockpot (because I just used my new one). I pointed out that if you did not read the instructions and just figured you did not need the liner and just put the chili directly in the crockpot…it wouldn’t be very good…at all. Everything works better if you follow instructions and use equipment the way it was designed to be used.
I thought of an expansion to this analogy. When used correctly, it can be a joy to walk into an aromatic house and know that supper is going to be yummy! If used incorrectly…I don’t think the aroma would be yummy chili! It would not be pleasant.
Similarly when we follow God’s blueprint for our sexuality (accepting it as a good thing, guarding it to give it freely to the one we marry) the result is an aromatic life that affects the people around us. Yes, marital intimacy is hidden from the public, but the evidences of an intimate marriage are visible and ‘smell good’ to those who are on the outside. I can think of couples I know who are clearly in love with each other after many years of marriage and it makes me smile and say “I want a marriage like that.”
On the other hand, when sexuality is mishandled, by choice or abuse, it emits a smell that is not pleasant. The smell comes out in a variety of ways. Shame, guilt, hardening of hearts, treating sex as something common or dirty, destructive behaviour and wounded souls.
Some might think it only affects them but just like the smell from the crockpot fills the house, we are affected by the smells coming from the ‘crockpots’ around us. We live in a world full of people ‘cooking without the liner’. We do it ourselves sometimes. It’s a culture of stench.
What is our part in creating a culture of pleasant aroma? In our own lives? In the lives of those around us?
The Bible frequently talks about pleasing aromas (“aroma” is found 43 times in the NIV) especially sacrifices being a pleasing aroma to God. May our lives be a pleasing aroma to God as we pursue His heart for us and our sexuality.
My thoughts have been on marriage quite a bit lately. And no, not just because I just got married! Besides helping Josh teach sex ed for his gym class (he took the guys, I took the girls) last week, I’ve been leading a series of discussion at ISCF that I’ve entitled “Love and Such.”
To prep for this series I’ve been reading a book called Soul Virgins. This book reminded me of something I read when I was fresh out of high school in another book, Sex is Not the Problem, Lust Is: sexuality is good and God given. So often in Christian circles I find that we repress the idea of sexuality and just say “don’t have sex, it’s dirty until you’re married”, if we even say that much. And yet God created us as sexual beings, which includes gender and emotions and feeling and passion. This is good!
The difficult part is figuring out what God’s desire is for those who are still single, especially high school students who have so many hormones swirling around and yet are so far away from marriage it would seem. (And these are the people I find myself talking to each week.)
I don’t have a complete answer but I believe at least part of the answer is about perspective. And that’s where marriage comes in. What we believe about marriage will affect what we think of sexuality.
I believe marriage is about becoming one in every way (which includes physically). In this context there is commitment beyond “I’ll give 50% and you give 50% and as long as I still love you and feel loved we can be together.” It is more than just seeing the cute guy/girl and hooking up. This is a deep and intimate connection where two lives intersect: financially, socially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. In this case physical connection is a bond and a pleasure connected to the entire relationship of the couple.
I also believe marriage has more meaning than two people who love each other spending life together. It’s a picture of an even deeper and more intimate relationship: Jesus and His bride – the church, which is all Christians everywhere. As such, it should reflect how Jesus gave so much for the church and how we are called to give much in return.
Now, it seems to me that God holds marriage as something that is excellent, good and beautiful. It also seems to me that He considers it very important that something as intimate and deep as sex be kept for that intimate relationship. You see, I don’t think He wants it that way because He is no fun and doesn’t understand how humans function. I think He wants it that way because He knows that is the best way to have the best sex life ever.
As a single that fact encouraged me to be sexually pure. Things like statistics of STI’s and pregnancies were not enough. Nor was hearing of emotional consequences. It was knowing there was something good ahead that gave me motivation to strive to be pure physically, emotionally and mentally. I didn’t pass through my single years completely unscathed but what a joy to give my husband my first kiss, and myself.
So, you can keep praying for me as I keep thinking, studying and talking to teens about this topic, which really affects all of life, and also as I learn how to live it out in my marriage as well.
I read yesterday how someone had told a young woman that sex wouldn’t be a big deal. Taking that at face value, there is truth in that. I mean, 11 and 12 year olds are sexually active. Just watching media shows it’s not a big deal. The line between fooling around and actual sex is so fine. How much would it take to go further? What is the big deal anyway? Why not go have sex? Sure it would seem awkward, but how much of that is cultural conditioning from growing up in a conservative background? People around us are doing it all the time. They seem no worse off. It’s just a fun activity. A pleasure. A natural act. So what’s the big deal?
That is, until I shift my focus from appearances and back to reality. Reality says there should be more. It should mean something. Reality says sex is supposed to be beautiful, not dirty; it’s supposed to be love, not lust. Reality says that if sex becomes no big deal we have stripped it of it’s power. We have reduced it to nothingness when it was intended to be a climax.
It would be easy to be disillusioned with sex but I refuse to be. Reminds me of Psalm 73 where the psalmist says "When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God…" If I look at sex from a human perspective there is no less reason to not become sexually active than to not become a coffee drinker. But then when I "enter the sanctuary of God" and see a glimpse of God’s perspective, suddenly sex becomes something beautiful to be kept until it can serve it’s true purpose in the purity of marriage.
I have more thoughts on this topic so this may turn into a mini blog series.
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