black and white or, at the very least, black and white about being
gray. This has had some important effects on my life.
I think of God through my perspective. That means I am very aware that
He has a big picture plan for everything that happens and that I am
part of that plan. I’ve often thought of God as a Chess Master, moving
pieces as seems best to Him. But far less have I thought of God as
being intimately interested in me. In my life. In His plan for me,
not only in light of the big picture, but in light of my own life
span. His plan for me because He loves me. I usually forget
that He takes care of me not just because it’s His duty as God to do
that but because He truly desires to.
This has affected how I pray. How I view prayer. I suddenly realized
that I’ve been connecting the word ‘prayer’ with something that is
done. A sort of ritual that all devoted followers of Jesus do.
Something that I should do more but in a punching-into-the-clock sort
of way. The phrase "I should pray about that more" conjures up putting
in time and a sense of guilt. It’s connected to my view of God because
it’s like a business transaction. Something that needs to be done
because ‘prayer changes things’ and Jesus told us to pray. Thinking
when you punch the action into the formula you’ve got the right way of
doing what God wants and in turn God will do amazing things.
I need to think of prayer as talking to God. Communicating with Him.
Asking advice as I would ask advice from others not just telling Him
how I think things should be done. Telling Him what’s on my heart. I
know all this but for some reason I don’t know all this.
Thinking theoretically has made it harder for me to embrace feeling or
expressing emotion, which has made being in relationship with people
and God cold and surreal.
Too often I’ve stopped at the theoretical. Figuring out what ‘should
be done’ but never actually doing. Understanding but lacking the
motivation of love to put hands to my thinking. I think communicating
with God rather than going through a ritual is an important step in the
process of changing that.
the.happenings 